Selfish Shadows

A self-portrait series by Austin Peete exploring relationships between curiosity, play, cynicism, forgiveness, action, and belief.

March 18, 2022

On nights I can’t sleep, I tend to think a lot. Tonight is one of those nights.

I’ve been thinking about the possibilities of what comes once a journey reaches completion. Regardless of anyone’s sense of readiness, or lack thereof, there is always an end approaching. Until now, I’ve been trying my best. The word "successful" can’t even capture how I feel about myself or my experience up to this point. I’m at the end of a road I’ve paved myself. 

My main character flaw is how little I can believe in myself — how much of a tendency I have to speak down on my potential and achievements. 

For the past year, I’ve been pushing myself further away from community, from the environments influencing me. I needed that to find myself, again, after giving myself away entirely, which is always a scary process. Now, I’ve arrived at this point of rising breath; pacing toward a point of levity that discomforted me, at first. After cycling through my grief, I’ve reached this point of calm that leaves my worries unsettled. 

 

3 Lessons (in)Form

1. Grieve losses, celebrate wins

2. Gain guidance when asking questions

3. Learn with people

I’ve done great work. I’m doing incredible work. I can’t stop because this is my nature – propelling toward compulsion. And, I’m grateful for all of me, for all of my living. There are no guidelines, which excites me most about returning to the world.

So, what have I been thinking about while I can’t sleep?

 

As loss is a part of life, grief gives birth to memory.